Day one

I have decided to start blogging my weight loss journey. At least, I HOPE it's a weight LOSS journey, and not a weight GAIN journey. I figured if I'm holding myself accountable by writing down my weight for the world to see, I might try harder to lose the excess pounds.

I guess I should give some background info. I'm a 27 year old wife, and mother to a 4 yr old daughter and 6 month old son. I met my husband when I was 19 yrs old, and in the best shape of my life. I exercised at least 6 days/wk, met with a personal trainer 2x/wk, weighed 120 lbs, and wore a size 4 (I'm 5'2"). I now weigh in at 180 lbs, and am a size.... well, to be honest I don't even know because I'm still wearing my maternity clothes since nothing else fits! Yes, incredibly embarrassing! I want to be able to go into my drawer and grab a pair of jeans and just have them fit. I want to have the energy to run up and down my stairs without heaving 5 steps up. I want to be able to go out to a club with my husband and friends without feeling like the "fat chick". I want to be able to go out for dinner with my husband without feeling embarrassed for him that he's with me. I want to be able to have sex without focusing on how many rolls are bulging out from my tummy! Is that too much to ask?!

My husband is incredibly sexy. I really wonder how he can still be attracted to me sometimes. I know he's not blind. He sees the extra pounds, but yet he never says anything to me about it. Quite the contrary. He's always telling me how beautiful I am. I often feel unworthy of his sweet comments. He has this one phrase that he always says to me... "it's okay, because you're hot!" I will give an example of the context he uses it in. Let's say I'm doing the laundry and I say to him, "it seems like the pile of dirty clothes never gets any smaller." Husband, "it's okay, because you're hot!" Or if I say, "I had a really hard day with our daughter whining." Husband, "it's okay, because you're hot!" Ah, he makes me smile :)

I have never been the type to struggle with addictions. Until now, that is. I consider over-eating an addiction. You know you're in deep when you're sneaking off to the grocery store in the middle of the night and shoving your face with chocolate. No one really knows exactly how much I eat. I would be mortified if my husband ever found out. HE would be mortified if he ever found out! Surprisingly, I don't ever buy fast food. That stuff doesn't call my name. My downfall is the sweet stuff. Cookies, ice cream, chocolate, pastries, donuts, chocolate, cake, candy, chocolate. Did I mention CHOCOLATE???! It tastes so good going down, but feels so horrible once it settles. I hate myself for eating it. I am ashamed. I am so terribly ashamed that I can't even face telling anyone in person. That's why I created this blog. Even if no one reads it, it allows me to get it off my chest.

Today is going to be a new chapter in my life. Today, I regain a hold of my future. I don't want to die of a heart attack when I'm 50 yrs old. I don't want to pack on any more weight. I don't want to be sluggish anymore. I don't want to be stuck in this fat suit any longer! I want to free myself. Today is day one.