I wonder.....

I wonder what it's like to be thin your entire life.

I wonder what it's like to never have to worry about what you're eating, when you're eating it, or how many calories you're consuming in a day.

I wonder what it feels like to slip into a size 2 pair of jeans, without even struggling to do up the zipper or get a single roll when leaning over.

I wonder what it feels like to eat fast food, candy, or dessert without feeling embarrassed that someone will judge you and think to themselves, "well, no wonder she's fat."

I wonder what it feels like to stand naked in front of your husband without feeling insecure or wonder if he's staring at your flabby skin and stretch marks.

I wonder what it's like to feel confident in your own skin, and never worry about what anyone else is thinking. To embrace the body that you have, no matter what size or shape it is.

I wonder what it's like to go a single day without thinking about food or weight.....
I hope I live to find out, and break myself from this self-destructive behaviour.

What's the deal?!

I am feeling very frustrated today. I have gone to the gym every day for the past 2 weeks, yet I have GAINED 3 pounds! I have also cut back on my eating, and have reached for healthy snacks as opposed to junk food. I don't understand what I am doing wrong. My husband is home to visit, and has been eating fast food, chips, and ice cream in front of me (all of which I have refrained from eating). He has actually lost almost 10 pounds, because "his job requires up to walk up and down quite a few flights of stairs every night." WHAT THE @#*&!!!!! I am busting my butt at the gym to the point of sheer exhaustion, with sweat flying off my arms and dripping down my back, while my face looks red as a tomato! Not to mention, my entire body aches from the torture I am putting it through.... and yet I have nothing to show for it!
Obviously I am doing something wrong. I just don't know what. I need HELP!

*BIG* impression

About 3 weeks ago, I was watching The Biggest Loser. My five year old daughter walked in the room and sat down on the couch. She watched it for about 2 minutes, and turned to me and said, "mommy, you should go on that show because you're fat like they are." I was a little surprised she came to that conclusion. I said to her, "You think I'm fat? How does that make you feel?" She lowered her head, and declared in a quiet voice, "it makes me embarrassed of you. But if you lost some pounds in your tummy, I wouldn't be so embarrassed of you anymore." I was SHOCKED. I wasn't shocked that my daughter could tell I was overweight, but rather I was shocked that a five year old could already feel embarrassed of her mother's figure. I don't remember ever noticing my mom's weight until I became a teenager. It just goes to show what an impression society is making on our children. I am sure I have a big role to play in it as well. She probably hears me complaining about the way I look. I never realized that her little ears were listening and processing all the negative comments I was making about myself.

Makenna is very tall for her age, and she is solid. However, I would not classify her the least big chunky or overweight. My younger sister has told me that she thinks Makenna will be overweight when she is an adult, and that she will struggle with her weight all her life. She said this right in front of Makenna! My sister is very tiny, and keeps a strict eating regimen. She thinks looks are a top priority. Her 6 year old son has now started weighing himself every day and watching what he eats, saying, "I don't want to gain any weight." That's not healthy for a child.

Our children look to us for guidance, love, and acceptance. What kind of self worth and respect are we teaching them when they hear us saying that we're not good enough? Do they then start to question if they are good enough? I want my daughter to learn confidence from me. I want her to know that she has more to offer than just her appearance.

I am still trying to get healthy. I think there is a difference between trying to be skinny and trying to be healthy. Yes, they usually go hand in hand, but I know thin people who are very unhealthy. I'm not willing to die to be thin. I don't want to die from being overweight either. I want to be fit, and feel energized, and happy about myself.
I have gone to the gym every day this week, and I have been eating a healthy diet. I feel great, and I look forward to every day, so I can do it again!

Oliver King Bradshaw

It's official. My baby turned one on Saturday, April 17th! I can't believe it's been a year since I first held him in my arms. He has been the most wonderful blessing in my life. I could kiss on those sweet cheeks all day and all night.
I remember taking the pregnancy test, and just crying tears of joy, knowing I would be a mother again. I wanted another baby so badly. Makenna was already 4.5 yrs old when Oliver was born. She seemed so big in comparison. Oliver was perfect at 9 lbs 6 oz, 21 inches long.

Holding Oliver for the first time, moments after his birth.

Makenna with Oliver when he was a few days old.

Proud daddy with his children.

My beautiful little boy has brought so much joy to our family. I couldn't imagine my life without him. His laugh is infectious, he has the cutest teethy grin, and he has the sweetest personality. I love watching him walk and "talk" and get into all kinds of mischief. I have had many sleepless nights with him, and many tears of anxiety and frustration. I have also had many tears of happiness and pride. I would not trade my baby boy for anything in the world, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life watching him grow into a fine, young man.


Some pictures from his first birthday party.

              

Happy Anniversary Stallion!

It's my wedding anniversary today. I am missing my hubby terribly. He sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers, which was a wonderful surprise. I had my whole family over for Easter dinner, so at least I was surrounded by loved ones.

I don't mean to brag (okay, maybe I do), but I have to admit that I have the most amazing husband in the world. I have been incredibly blessed, and I couldn't imagine spending a single day with anyone other than my Mick.

Sick

Out of the blue Saturday morning, I woke up horribly sick. I threw up (but thankfully only once), had a head cold, stomach pains, a fever, and the chills. It only got worse as the day progressed, and by this morning I felt like I was on my death bed. I could barely move from the couch, let alone take care of two children. I have never missed my husband as much as I did today. It also doesn't help that Oliver has had an ear infection all week, and Makenna had a fever yesterday too.
Thankfully I have the BEST neighbours. They made me chicken noodle soup (from scratch I might add), and even went to the grocery store and picked me up some bread and milk. At noon my sister came over and watched the kids for almost 5 hours! She even got them out of the house for a couple hours so I could nap. When I woke from my slumber, I was drenched in sweat and my chills were gone. Success... my fever had finally broken. What a world of a difference that has made. I still have a head cold, but I can at least get up and move around and care for the kids.
Hope things only get better tomorrow!

My husband left me

It's been 18 days since my husband left to work in another province. He will be gone for 4.5 months total. I can't believe I've made it through the first 18 days in one piece. It's been hard, but I'm starting to get into a routine. I haven't had much time for my blog, but hopefully I will have more time soon.
Makenna had a really hard time with him being gone in the beginning. She cried for about a week straight, and asked to call him just about every hour. I think she's pretty much adjusted at this point, and never even asks to call him anymore.
I know it's been just as hard on Mick as it has been on us. He says he misses us even more than he thought he would. I think this separation has actually done wonders for our marriage. We had a good relationship to begin with, but this has just made us appreciate and love each other so much more now that we see what life is like without the other one by our side.
I can't gush enough about how devoted and dedicated my husband is to our family. To know what he is sacrificing to be able to provide for us, makes me so proud of him. I can't wait to see him again, and throw my arms around him.