Christmas with the Family

We had an interesting Christmas this year. It went off without a hitch, except for the one minor detail that I had a baby clinging to my side for dear life the entire time! Christmas Eve was at my house with my family. For the most part, everyone had a good time. I'm not entirely sure since I spent half of it in Oliver's room with him while he either screamed or nursed. He is just petrified of anyone other than Mick or myself. My mom let the kids open their presents from her before they went to bed.

Christmas morning we opened gifts at our place, then went to my grandparents' house for a yummy Christmas dinner. My oma is a FANTASTIC cook! We stayed there until about 7pm, then came home.

Boxing day we had Mick's side of the family over for a little gift exchange and then dinner. I was beginning to feel a bit sick, and barely touched my food. Within 2 hours of everyone leaving, Mick and I were both hunched over the toilet, throwing up. Apparently EVERYONE got it... my mom, grandparents, both my sisters, my brother, the kids, the husbands, etc. Thankfully, it left almost as quickly as it came. Apparently my nephew was sick with it a few days before Christmas, and obviously passed it on to everyone when he was around us. The only good thing that came of it, was that I lost 7 lbs in one night. I'm pretty sure I've gained it all back since then, but I can't say for certain since I haven't stepped on a scale again.

Here's some pictures of the last few days.

My oma and Makenna

Mick and Oliver with my opa (who turns 91 today) Happy Birthday Opa!

My two favourite men. They're so cute!

Mick and I with the kids

Oliver "loving" Santa

Makenna all tuckered out in her Christmas dress.

My mom giving Oliver a present (a blanket)

My mom and I with my nephew Avery

Avery giving Oliver some love

My sister Chloe and my brother Andreas

My sister Odessa who is wearing a t-shirt announcing she's pregnant! Due August 10, 2010. We are so excited. This will be her first child.

I just realized I didn't get any pictures of Christmas morning! Not a single picture of us opening any gifts. I hope someone else was taking some, so I can scoop them. I forgot to mention, my favourite gift was from my husband... A Wii and Wii Fit! I LOVE it. I've used it every day since I got it. That thing is awesome!!!

fluctuating weight

Once again, my weight is fluctuating back and forth, back and forth. I eat good for a couple of days, lose 2-4 lbs, then go back to eating junk food, and gain the weight right back. Getting over the one week hump is always the hardest. I've gained and lost weight in the past, and so long as I was able to get past an entire week with sticking to a healthy eating plan, I have been able to keep it up. I think it's like any addiction. You need to detox your body. I think my body is addicted to sugar, and I need to go through a sugar withdrawal until my system is clean. That way I won't crave it anymore. Well, that's what I'm hoping anyway.

Oliver, Makenna, and I all have a nasty cough. Oliver also had a fever last night and today. I feel so bad for him when he's not feeling well. I'm beginning to get the never-ending, one nostril, nose drip. Oh, and let's not forget the constant sneezing. It better be gone by Christmas. This is my favourite holiday, and I don't want to feel lousy. Mick had it too.... for one day! That always happens. We'll get sick at the same time, he'll get over it within 24 hours, and I will still be suffering 3 weeks later! What's up with that?! Speaking of my dripping nose, I need to go blow it now.

I am blessed

I realized that my posts started off pretty depressing. I just wanted to clarify that although I feel depressed about my body at times, I feel extremely blessed in life. I have two perfectly healthy, beautiful children. I have a husband who adores me, and who I love with all my heart. I have a roof over my head, a fridge full of food (well, actually right now it's empty, but once I go grocery shopping it will be full again. lol), and all the amenities life has to offer. I have a Saviour who was born for me, died for me, and rose again for me. It doesn't get any more amazing than that.

On that note, I want to leave you with some pictures of the most adorable little boy, wearing the most adorable little sleeper.

Oliver's Christmas pj's arrived today! Cutest sleeper I ever saw.

Exhaustion

So I guess I've been on a bit of a hiatus. It's not that I've forgotten about my blog, just that I have been too exhausted to write in it.
Oliver has been sick for the past 3 weeks. I wasn't sure what was wrong. He seems fine for much of the day, but every night is up coughing and having trouble breathing. I finally took him to the doctor's on Thursday, and it turns out he has bronchitis. The poor little guy is miserable. I am up for several hours every night with him, as well as ALL day (as he has not been napping since he got sick). He has a humidifier in his room, and I also take him outside into the cool air around 3am every night to help him breathe. He also has an inhaler now. I have been incredibly patient with him, never getting frustrated when I'm up for the majority of the night with him. Unfortunately, Makenna has been getting the brunt of my moodiness. I am terribly ashamed to admit I have been snapping at her left, right, and centre. I know it's not her fault that I'm not getting any sleep. Oliver is extremely demanding and clings to me like I am air, so he ends up getting the majority of my attention. I have not been spending the quality time with Makenna that she needs. In turn she acts out, and instead of me being compassionate towards her, I get her in trouble. I feel really guilty about how much she has been getting in trouble lately. I don't know how to solve the problem. It would be nice if my husband could give her the attention that she is lacking from me, but he works really long hours and goes to school two nights a week, plus Saturdays. He's just as exhausted as I am.
I just hope Oliver gets better soon... for his sake, mine, and Makenna's.

Pilates

I've never actually tried pilates before, but I have heard amazing things about it. Sooo.... I splurged today and bought myself a pilates machine! It was a bit pricey, but I figure it will save me money in the long run. I used to go to the gym all the time, but since Oliver will no longer allow that, I need to figure something else out for working out. I am going to cancel my gym membership, and use the money I save, to pay for the pilates machine! I will also get money from my grandparents for Christmas, that I will put towards the machine. I'm so excited for it to arrive.
For the time being, I can still take Oliver for walks in the stroller, but soon it will be snowing, and snow + a stroller = a pain in the butt. Believe me, I tried taking Makenna for walks in the winter, and it was not fun. Especially when people don't shovel the sidewalk in front of their homes. I remember being stuck for 30 minutes in one spot, and not a single person stopped to help me.
I will let you all know whether it was a good buy or not when it comes in 7-10 business days. It has a return policy until January 9th if I'm not seeing any results. Apparently you can do over 100 exercises on it!

In other news, Oliver is crawling everywhere now, so that's gotta count for some calories being burned when I'm chasing him around. I didn't realize how many pieces of dirt and food and dust are lying around, until I see what Oliver picks up off the ground. I have a feeling I'm going to be vacuuming every day.

I've been eating relatively good this week. However, my husband opened up a huge bag of chocolate covered almonds last night (that I explicitely said were ONLY to be opened up at Christmas when family is visiting). Of course, I have no strength against chocolate covered almonds, since they're only my favourite temptation alive. Weak, I know. I'm so terribly weak. I need to be strong. I was thinking maybe I would post pictures of women with amazing bodies, all over my cabinets and refrigerator. Maybe that will be some motivation?!

Yesterday, we went as a family to the mall. I haven't been to a shopping mall in ages. I was surprised by how many shops I walked past longingly, wishing I could buy a cute fall outfit. Of course, I didn't go into any of them, because there wouldn't be anything cute about me trying to squeeze into one of those outfits right now. I already told my husband that WHEN (not if) I lose my weight, I am going on a mini shopping spree.

Weigh-in Wednesday

Starting weight - 180
Current weight - 178
Pounds lost this week - 2
Pounds lost overall  - 2

Well, it wasn't as much as I was hoping for, but definitely better than nothing. I figured it wouldn't be very much since I ate way too much on Saturday and Sunday during Makenna's birthday parties. The pizza, chicken wings, chips, cookies, and cake weren't really the best choices. I was meticulous the rest of the week though. I'm back on track again, and feeling like I'm going to have a great week.

Oliver is 7 months old!

My little Oliver is 7 months old today! Where is the time going?! He already has 2 bottom teeth, and a top tooth is starting to poke through the gums. He's been sitting like a champ for over a month now, and he's recently taken his first couple crawling steps. He's constantly up on his hands and knees, but collapses before he can maneuver too far. He LOVES sticking out his tongue and spitting at people. I'm not really sure what that's all about, since he's never seen anyone else do it. He's got this super, high pitched squeal when he's happy. He can also growl like it's nobody's business. All of his sounds are adorable... except for when he's screaming. I'm pretty sure that's just a given. He still wakes up 3 times/night to nurse, and nurses every 3 hours throughout the day. Infact, he doesn't even know how to use a bottle because he hasn't been given one since he was 3 weeks old. He loves his rice cereal, fruit, and veggies though.
He's still in love with me to the point that he can't leave my side. I've gotten used to showering with him, holding him while I go to the bathroom, while putting the dishes away, eating, vacuuming, etc, etc. He still won't go to other people, even if I'm standing right next to him. For the past 2 months, I've either had to stay home with him while my husband goes out with our friends, or I've had to take Oliver with us. On Nov. 28th, we are going to Mick's work Christmas party, so Oliver will be staying with my sister. I have a feeling we're going to be called back home before the dinner is even finished.

Here is a pic of the family just taken on Sunday

This is what happens when someone else holds Oliver. This is a pic of my mom.

My big girl is turning 5 tomorrow!

I can't believe it has been five years since I first held my baby girl in my arms. Makenna Grace was born on November 15, 2004 at 5:45pm after 26 hours of labour, weighing 10 lbs 1 oz, and measuring 22 inches long. She had blue eyes, and long black spiky hair (which turned completely blonde by 9 mths old). For some reason, I didn't cry when she was born, but I knew that I had never loved another the way that I loved her.
Five years later, she has brought me MANY tears. Some of joy, and others of frustration. She has a huge heart, and often tells me about how she wants to help other children who aren't as fortunate as she is. She loves the Lord and talks about how she can't wait to go to Heaven to see Jesus. In the same breath, I can tell you that she is as feisty as they come, and has the attitude of a 16 year old. She has the most amazing memory when it comes to learning things in school or watching a documentary on television, but when it comes to remembering rules around the house, she has a complete memory lapse every five minutes. She is a wonderful big sister and loves her brother to death... even though she cried and wouldn't talk to me for 3 days when she first found out we were having a boy, instead of a girl like she had requested.
Being a mother has brought out the best in me, and at times, the worst in me. Through it all, I can honestly say I wouldn't trade my life for anything. Although, you all know I wouldn't mind if there was a little bit less of me. haha
Today, Makenna and I were looking through some of the pictures from 3 years ago. She recognized herself, but didn't know that I was the woman in the picture with her. That was a bit of a sting, to realize that I've put on so much weight, that my thinner self is unrecognizable.

Here are some pictures of my daughter through the years. I don't have really early ones because I didn't have a digital camera back then, and I no longer have a scanner. I'm warning you, there's quite a few pictures. I will try to narrow it down if possible.

  Makenna and daddy 11 months

Makenna 13 months

2 years old

3 years old

With mommy and daddy

3 yrs old

Mommy and Makenna

4 years old

33 weeks pregnant with Oliver

Makenna and her brother Oliver

Daddy and the kids

Makenna and Oli again

and finally my little angel for halloween

Hope you enjoyed the recap of her life as much as I have enjoyed posting it.

Weigh-in Wednesdays

I figured since everyone else has a "wordless wednesdays", I will have a "weigh-in wednesdays". Big shocker that I'm still dead on 180 lbs. Definitely saw that one coming. I'm hoping for a better number next week!

Self sabotage

I was going to post a Rough Day Part 2, but I didn't end up having time, and that boat has sailed. I am realizing that I'm not able to do this on my own, and am signing up for Weight Watchers tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like I have so much weight to lose, that there is no end in sight. For this reason, I end up quitting. Why is it so difficult, when it sounds so simple? Just eat healthy, and exercise. How can something so easy, be so hard? What am I holding on to? It's not like this weight has any benefits. Okay, so maybe it's that the food tastes so fantastic, that I can't stop chowing down. Have you ever noticed that food looks better than it actually tastes? The first couple bites are good, but the more I keep eating, the more it starts tasting gross. I have this strange mentality of, "I ate a couple cookies today so I already failed. I mine as well continue to fail, and eat as much fat and sugar I can get my hands on!"
The cycle has to stop. I'm the only one who can stop it. Obviously the desire isn't enough. I have lots of desire to be thin, but yet continue to sabotage myself. There must be something more that I'm lacking. I need to get to the bottom of it, or I will never be thin again.

Rough Day Part 1

Every first friday of the month, I go to "mom's group" at my church. I really look forward to that time to connect with other moms. Three of us have babies within two months of eachother. There are also two women who are due to give birth this month. As well as a couple moms who have children a little bit older. Anyway, it was devastatingly apparent to me yesterday, how much larger I am than all the other moms... including the two pregnant ones! One of the women whose daughter is two months older than my son, used to be the same size as me. However, she has dropped serious amounts of weight in the past four months. She looks amazing! I think to myself, if she can do it, I should be able to as well. What was it that got her motivated? How did she stick to it? Why am I struggling so much? Another mom, whose daughter is 3 weeks older than my son, was literally a size 2 again the moment her baby was born. Are they predisposed to being thinner, or are they more controlled with what they eat? Maybe a bit of both?
I have found lately that instead of enjoying my time with friends or family, I am constantly thinking about whether people are staring at my big belly or thunder thighs. It is really taking away from my quality of life. I sometimes even cancel plans with people just so I don't have to find something to wear. This is no way to live. You would think I would be so depressed about being a hermit, that I would never touch another piece of chocolate again! Actually, the opposite happens. I am so depressed that I grab for MORE chocolate! Where's the rationalizing in that??? There is none.
On a positive note: I went for a run on Thursday night. It was only for 15 minutes, but it was longer than I've done in a year. I felt so exhilerated afterwards. Especially in the accomplishment that I never stopped once! I've also been running up and down my stairs for exercise. I'm surprised at how much my legs burn, and how much I get winded. It's an awesome way to burn some calories without having to leave the comfort of your home. I'm definitely going to stick with that one.
I had more to post, but Oliver started crying. That is actually a bit of a prelude to what I was going to write about next.......
I will be back a little later today.

Anyone???

If anyone out there in blogger land knows how I can spice up my page, please drop me a line and let me know. I'm not very good at that kind of thing. I can't even figure out how to get a picture to fit for my google account (the one that appears when I follow other blogs). I've seen some really great profile pages that some bloggers have, and I would love to jazz mine up a bit too. I think they just look so much more inviting and appealing.

Thanks a ton!

The Crockpot

I am discovering the crockpot is one of the greatest inventions ever! I have owned one for 2 years now, and just pulled it out for the first time this week. I went online and found some healthy recipes, and have made 2 different soups. Basically all I did was cut up the meat and veggies, and add some spices. So easy! You throw it all into the crockpot and walk away. What a fantastic way to cook! It makes tons of portions, so I just store it in the fridge or freezer. Whenever I get hungry, instead of grabbing for a quick sugary snack, I just grab a bowl of soup. I think it is going to be a lifesaver for me with staying on top of my healthy eating. I can't wait to try new recipes. I already have at least 5 more lined up.

Yesterday for the first time in ages, I didn't eat a single piece of chocolate! I was so proud of myself. This morning I went to the gym for a hard core aerobics class. My legs were shaking by the end, and my abs were burning! I felt so awesome afterwards! I'm going to try to go again tomorrow. If I can't get out to the gym, I want to at least try to get out for a walk with the baby every day.

The Perfect Body

What is the perfect body? I would say it is whatever works for you. No two people have the identical frame, fat content, muscle content, etc. My idea of how I want my body to look is very different than it was before I had kids. Let's face it, pregnancy is beautiful, but the outcome of your body once your child is born, isn't so pretty. I have stretchmarks on more surface area than I thought was humanly possible. I have flappy skin from being stretched to its max. As I said before, I'm only 5'2", yet my daughter was born weighing in at 10lbs 1oz, and my son was 9lbs 6oz. When you don't have much of a torso, the only way to grow is out. My once perky B cup breasts have been replaced by "not so perky" size D ones.
What I would give to have my old body back. Would I wish my body back if it meant giving my children back?! Not a chance. Maybe it is a small price to pay to hold your child in your arms, smell their sweet aroma or nurse them to sleep at your breast. To see that God has created a perfect tiny being, makes your imperfect body seem so superficial.
One night when I was carrying my baby boy, and he looked up at me with such love in his eyes, an amazing thought came to mind. He doesn't see my shape or size. He loves me unconditionally.
I would do anything for this child. Maybe instead of focusing on how I want to look, I should focus more on how I want to live. I have been letting food drag me down and be my driving force. I have allowed it to control me. It's time I take back the reins, and enjoy the ride!

Day two - What was I thinking?

So, day one was going really well... until we brought out the chocolate for Halloween. That darn chocolate. I just can't resist it. I think the trick for me will be to not bring it in the house. If I can't resist it, then I need to remove the temptation. What was I thinking when I decided to start a diet on Halloween? Especially when I'm addicted to chocolate!

Today is another day, and I just have to dust it off and start fresh again. There's always going to be something going on. I can't keep making excuses when every birthday, occassion, or holiday comes around. Even though the junkfood tastes so good, I'm sure the taste of slipping on a cute little dress will be so much sweeter!

Day one

I have decided to start blogging my weight loss journey. At least, I HOPE it's a weight LOSS journey, and not a weight GAIN journey. I figured if I'm holding myself accountable by writing down my weight for the world to see, I might try harder to lose the excess pounds.

I guess I should give some background info. I'm a 27 year old wife, and mother to a 4 yr old daughter and 6 month old son. I met my husband when I was 19 yrs old, and in the best shape of my life. I exercised at least 6 days/wk, met with a personal trainer 2x/wk, weighed 120 lbs, and wore a size 4 (I'm 5'2"). I now weigh in at 180 lbs, and am a size.... well, to be honest I don't even know because I'm still wearing my maternity clothes since nothing else fits! Yes, incredibly embarrassing! I want to be able to go into my drawer and grab a pair of jeans and just have them fit. I want to have the energy to run up and down my stairs without heaving 5 steps up. I want to be able to go out to a club with my husband and friends without feeling like the "fat chick". I want to be able to go out for dinner with my husband without feeling embarrassed for him that he's with me. I want to be able to have sex without focusing on how many rolls are bulging out from my tummy! Is that too much to ask?!

My husband is incredibly sexy. I really wonder how he can still be attracted to me sometimes. I know he's not blind. He sees the extra pounds, but yet he never says anything to me about it. Quite the contrary. He's always telling me how beautiful I am. I often feel unworthy of his sweet comments. He has this one phrase that he always says to me... "it's okay, because you're hot!" I will give an example of the context he uses it in. Let's say I'm doing the laundry and I say to him, "it seems like the pile of dirty clothes never gets any smaller." Husband, "it's okay, because you're hot!" Or if I say, "I had a really hard day with our daughter whining." Husband, "it's okay, because you're hot!" Ah, he makes me smile :)

I have never been the type to struggle with addictions. Until now, that is. I consider over-eating an addiction. You know you're in deep when you're sneaking off to the grocery store in the middle of the night and shoving your face with chocolate. No one really knows exactly how much I eat. I would be mortified if my husband ever found out. HE would be mortified if he ever found out! Surprisingly, I don't ever buy fast food. That stuff doesn't call my name. My downfall is the sweet stuff. Cookies, ice cream, chocolate, pastries, donuts, chocolate, cake, candy, chocolate. Did I mention CHOCOLATE???! It tastes so good going down, but feels so horrible once it settles. I hate myself for eating it. I am ashamed. I am so terribly ashamed that I can't even face telling anyone in person. That's why I created this blog. Even if no one reads it, it allows me to get it off my chest.

Today is going to be a new chapter in my life. Today, I regain a hold of my future. I don't want to die of a heart attack when I'm 50 yrs old. I don't want to pack on any more weight. I don't want to be sluggish anymore. I don't want to be stuck in this fat suit any longer! I want to free myself. Today is day one.