I'm back... hopefully.

I know it's been a long time since I've last posted. That's only due to me barely having the energy to keep up the blog now that my husband is gone all the time. He's still 3000 miles away, and only comes home once every 2 months. Yes... it's brutal.

As far as my weight loss... there really hasn't been any. I did get down to 165 lbs, but then within 3 weeks I skyrocketed up 20 lbs! How does that happen?! I keep trying all these diets that make me feel tired, and cranky, and give me chest pains. Not to mention, they all taste awful. The thing about diets is, they give you short term results, but the weight always comes back two-fold. I'm sick of dieting. So now I'm trying to just eat healthy balanced meals, and continue to go to the gym 5 days/wk. I've also decided not to get on a scale for a while. That thing can ruin my entire day in an instant, and I'm tired of it controlling my mood.

Now for some pictures of the last few months.

                                                           Oliver playing in the backyard

Makenna playing in the backyard (kind of a sad looking swimming pool)

Oliver's first time at the beach

Me and the kids at the beach

Oliver doing one of his favourite things... colouring!

My nephew Ethan, Makenna, and I on the Freefall ride at Ontario Place

Ontario Place

Day at Ontario Place when Mick came home for a week.

Just before taking Mick to the airport

My new vehicle my amazing husband bought me

Makenna and her friends dressed Oliver up like a girl. He looked so sweet. LOL

I love this picture of Makenna, so I had to throw it in here.

At the park with Oliver's friend Vienna

My boy is getting quite the belly on him.

I wonder.....

I wonder what it's like to be thin your entire life.

I wonder what it's like to never have to worry about what you're eating, when you're eating it, or how many calories you're consuming in a day.

I wonder what it feels like to slip into a size 2 pair of jeans, without even struggling to do up the zipper or get a single roll when leaning over.

I wonder what it feels like to eat fast food, candy, or dessert without feeling embarrassed that someone will judge you and think to themselves, "well, no wonder she's fat."

I wonder what it feels like to stand naked in front of your husband without feeling insecure or wonder if he's staring at your flabby skin and stretch marks.

I wonder what it's like to feel confident in your own skin, and never worry about what anyone else is thinking. To embrace the body that you have, no matter what size or shape it is.

I wonder what it's like to go a single day without thinking about food or weight.....
I hope I live to find out, and break myself from this self-destructive behaviour.

What's the deal?!

I am feeling very frustrated today. I have gone to the gym every day for the past 2 weeks, yet I have GAINED 3 pounds! I have also cut back on my eating, and have reached for healthy snacks as opposed to junk food. I don't understand what I am doing wrong. My husband is home to visit, and has been eating fast food, chips, and ice cream in front of me (all of which I have refrained from eating). He has actually lost almost 10 pounds, because "his job requires up to walk up and down quite a few flights of stairs every night." WHAT THE @#*&!!!!! I am busting my butt at the gym to the point of sheer exhaustion, with sweat flying off my arms and dripping down my back, while my face looks red as a tomato! Not to mention, my entire body aches from the torture I am putting it through.... and yet I have nothing to show for it!
Obviously I am doing something wrong. I just don't know what. I need HELP!

*BIG* impression

About 3 weeks ago, I was watching The Biggest Loser. My five year old daughter walked in the room and sat down on the couch. She watched it for about 2 minutes, and turned to me and said, "mommy, you should go on that show because you're fat like they are." I was a little surprised she came to that conclusion. I said to her, "You think I'm fat? How does that make you feel?" She lowered her head, and declared in a quiet voice, "it makes me embarrassed of you. But if you lost some pounds in your tummy, I wouldn't be so embarrassed of you anymore." I was SHOCKED. I wasn't shocked that my daughter could tell I was overweight, but rather I was shocked that a five year old could already feel embarrassed of her mother's figure. I don't remember ever noticing my mom's weight until I became a teenager. It just goes to show what an impression society is making on our children. I am sure I have a big role to play in it as well. She probably hears me complaining about the way I look. I never realized that her little ears were listening and processing all the negative comments I was making about myself.

Makenna is very tall for her age, and she is solid. However, I would not classify her the least big chunky or overweight. My younger sister has told me that she thinks Makenna will be overweight when she is an adult, and that she will struggle with her weight all her life. She said this right in front of Makenna! My sister is very tiny, and keeps a strict eating regimen. She thinks looks are a top priority. Her 6 year old son has now started weighing himself every day and watching what he eats, saying, "I don't want to gain any weight." That's not healthy for a child.

Our children look to us for guidance, love, and acceptance. What kind of self worth and respect are we teaching them when they hear us saying that we're not good enough? Do they then start to question if they are good enough? I want my daughter to learn confidence from me. I want her to know that she has more to offer than just her appearance.

I am still trying to get healthy. I think there is a difference between trying to be skinny and trying to be healthy. Yes, they usually go hand in hand, but I know thin people who are very unhealthy. I'm not willing to die to be thin. I don't want to die from being overweight either. I want to be fit, and feel energized, and happy about myself.
I have gone to the gym every day this week, and I have been eating a healthy diet. I feel great, and I look forward to every day, so I can do it again!

Oliver King Bradshaw

It's official. My baby turned one on Saturday, April 17th! I can't believe it's been a year since I first held him in my arms. He has been the most wonderful blessing in my life. I could kiss on those sweet cheeks all day and all night.
I remember taking the pregnancy test, and just crying tears of joy, knowing I would be a mother again. I wanted another baby so badly. Makenna was already 4.5 yrs old when Oliver was born. She seemed so big in comparison. Oliver was perfect at 9 lbs 6 oz, 21 inches long.

Holding Oliver for the first time, moments after his birth.

Makenna with Oliver when he was a few days old.

Proud daddy with his children.

My beautiful little boy has brought so much joy to our family. I couldn't imagine my life without him. His laugh is infectious, he has the cutest teethy grin, and he has the sweetest personality. I love watching him walk and "talk" and get into all kinds of mischief. I have had many sleepless nights with him, and many tears of anxiety and frustration. I have also had many tears of happiness and pride. I would not trade my baby boy for anything in the world, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life watching him grow into a fine, young man.


Some pictures from his first birthday party.

              

Happy Anniversary Stallion!

It's my wedding anniversary today. I am missing my hubby terribly. He sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers, which was a wonderful surprise. I had my whole family over for Easter dinner, so at least I was surrounded by loved ones.

I don't mean to brag (okay, maybe I do), but I have to admit that I have the most amazing husband in the world. I have been incredibly blessed, and I couldn't imagine spending a single day with anyone other than my Mick.

Sick

Out of the blue Saturday morning, I woke up horribly sick. I threw up (but thankfully only once), had a head cold, stomach pains, a fever, and the chills. It only got worse as the day progressed, and by this morning I felt like I was on my death bed. I could barely move from the couch, let alone take care of two children. I have never missed my husband as much as I did today. It also doesn't help that Oliver has had an ear infection all week, and Makenna had a fever yesterday too.
Thankfully I have the BEST neighbours. They made me chicken noodle soup (from scratch I might add), and even went to the grocery store and picked me up some bread and milk. At noon my sister came over and watched the kids for almost 5 hours! She even got them out of the house for a couple hours so I could nap. When I woke from my slumber, I was drenched in sweat and my chills were gone. Success... my fever had finally broken. What a world of a difference that has made. I still have a head cold, but I can at least get up and move around and care for the kids.
Hope things only get better tomorrow!

My husband left me

It's been 18 days since my husband left to work in another province. He will be gone for 4.5 months total. I can't believe I've made it through the first 18 days in one piece. It's been hard, but I'm starting to get into a routine. I haven't had much time for my blog, but hopefully I will have more time soon.
Makenna had a really hard time with him being gone in the beginning. She cried for about a week straight, and asked to call him just about every hour. I think she's pretty much adjusted at this point, and never even asks to call him anymore.
I know it's been just as hard on Mick as it has been on us. He says he misses us even more than he thought he would. I think this separation has actually done wonders for our marriage. We had a good relationship to begin with, but this has just made us appreciate and love each other so much more now that we see what life is like without the other one by our side.
I can't gush enough about how devoted and dedicated my husband is to our family. To know what he is sacrificing to be able to provide for us, makes me so proud of him. I can't wait to see him again, and throw my arms around him.

Swinging good time

This past week has been so beautiful. I have been out with Oliver for a walk every day. I was even able to get him to the park one day. I was a bit worried that he wouldn't enjoy the swing because last summer he screamed when I put him in it. I was pleasantly surprised this time around... he LOVED it. He was giggling up a storm the entire time. It was so funny.

Last year in the swing

This year in the swing

Busted!

So a couple days ago, I was scrounging around in my kitchen, looking for something to eat. Makenna was at school, Oliver was napping, and Mick was out. There wasn't much to pick through, since I needed to go grocery shopping.
I found a bag of frozen ravioli in the freezer (one of my faves), and a can of spaghetti sauce in the cupboard. I cooked up the entire package, thinking Mick could have some when he got home. I should have known better than to trust myself alone with a pot full of delicious ravioli's! I gobbled up the entire pot in 10 minutes flat.
Now what?! I can't exactly let Mick come home and see how much I've eaten. That's just plain embarrassing. I quickly cleaned the dishes, threw the can of sauce in the recycling bin, and threw out any remaining evidence. Just as I was turning around from the garbage, Mick walked in the door. I was feeling quite pleased with myself as I smiled and greeted him. I actually pulled it off. He took one look at me and said....

"What have you been eating? You have spaghetti sauce all over your face!"

BUSTED! All that work trying to cover up the evidence, and I forgot to wipe my face off!

Baby Steps

My sweet baby boy is growing up so quickly. He has started walking! Mind you, he can only take one or two steps at this point, and then lunge for me. However, I am as proud as a mama can be! He gets so delighted with himself, laughing and squealing with every step.

Hmmm, so I took a video of him walking, but I don't know how to upload it on here. I guess I will have to settle for posting a few pictures of our morning yesterday at Cheeky Monkeys with the kids.

I know it looks like she's sticking up her middle finger, but she's just posing. haha

Weigh-In Wednesday

Starting weight - 180 lbs
Current weight - 172 lbs
Pounds lost this week - 0
Pounds lost overall - 8

*Sigh*. Well, it's not a loss, but it's not a gain either. I could have made some better food choices, but I am happy that I never binged. It gets a little easier every night, but I still crave sweets throughout the day. Today I had an oatmeal, chocolate chip muffin that Makenna and I made for her bake sale at school. In my defense, I had to test it... what if it tasted horrible and someone bought one?! Just as I had suspected - it was delicious!
I need to be more consistent with working out. I did my 30 minute shred again today. It was my first time since last Wednesday. My chest is STILL a bit sore, but it's beginning to feel  better every day.

Weigh-In Wednesday

Starting weight - 180 lbs
Current weight - 172 lbs
Pounds lost this week - 4
Pounds lost overall - 8

I am very pleased with my weigh-in this week. I was active and I ate healthy. Hard work actually does pay off! I wish I could say I FEEL better, but I don't. I'm pretty sure that's only because I have a horrible chest infection. My lungs feel like they're on fire. Both the kids have it too, but Makenna only has it in her eyes, and Oliver has it in his chest, eyes, nose, and ears. The poor guy! Oliver and I have been to the doctor's already, and have been given prescriptions for antibiotics. Makenna is going today. I sure hope Mick doesn't catch this!
As I stated in my last post, I love the 30 day shred. It's super hard, but super rewarding. I did it again yesterday,  but I felt like my chest would explode by the end of it. I think I'm going to hold off the vigorous exercising until I get better. I also have one of those horrible raspy voices that makes me sound like a man. Fun times!

I just got Shredded!

So I finally tried my 30 minute Shred DVD by Jillian Michaels. Wow, she's not kidding around! I did the beginner level and I felt like I had never worked out a day in my life. I am sweating, panting, and feeling a little wobbly. In other words, I feel FANTASTIC! haha
Hopefully, I'll be able to fit in another workout tomorrow. I think I'm going to get myself a drink of water before I pass out.

A revelation

I feel so renewed and energized! I have had a revelation of sorts. The night I had my melt down and confined in my husband how low and pathetic I had been feeling, a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. So many things seemed to become clear in my mind. How selfish and self-loathing I had become. There are millions of people around the world who go hungry every day, and yet I take food for granted, and abuse it on a daily basis. God has given me a perfect body. I am healthy, all my limbs and organs work, and I am destroying myself. I am alive, and have an amazing husband and two beautiful children, and I am killing myself. This world is breathtaking, and yet I sit inside all day, instead of going out and enjoying God's creation. I not only want my life back, but I am taking it back! I have not binged in 3 days! I have not even had the desire to. How silly it seems that my entire existence revolved around food for 9 months of my life.
I know I still have a long road ahead of me, yet I feel like I have already conquered so much in just a few short days. I can't wait to see what tomorrow has in store for me, and the next day after that, and the next day after that!

Weigh-In Wednesday

Starting Weight - 180 lbs
Current Weight - 176 lbs
Pounds lost this week - 0
Pounds lost overall - 4

Well, that's a bit of a disappointment, but I'm not surprised. I have no excuses about why I didn't lose the weight. I didn't lose any weight because I consumed more calories than I burned. It's simple really.
I had a really good cry a few nights ago. I am miserable, and I can't live my life like this anymore. Eating healthy during the day, and stuffing my face all night has become a daily occurence for me. Two nights ago, I finally broke down and confessed my "dirty little secret" to my husband. I need his support. I need to stop torturing myself. My obsession with food has gotten out of control. He didn't say much, but he held me while I sobbed. Confiding in him made me feel a bit stronger. It made me feel like I CAN overcome this. Last night, I ate a 5 calorie Jello-O pack when I felt the urge to binge. Then I went to bed. I know it was only one night, but you wouldn't believe how proud of myself I was.

99 Things

***Here are the rules: Bold the things you’ve done and post on your blog!

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightening storm

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing (indoor rock climbing)

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Got a tattoo

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

Weigh-In Wednesday

Starting weight - 180
Current weight - 176
Pounds lost this week - 2
Pounds lost overall - 4

I know I haven't posted a weigh-in in a while, but that's due to me not doing so well with my weight loss. I think if I make myself accountable by posting every week, no matter what the weight loss outcome is, it will push me a bit harder, because it will be a bit embarrassing if I post the same weight every week!
I purchased The Biggest Loser dvd for my Wii, as well as the 30 Day Shred dvd's by Jillian Michaels. Yesterday I started my BL program. It will take me 12 weeks to complete. I haven't started the 30 day shred, because I will need to wear my running shoes, and I need to buy some indoor ones because my outdoor ones are filthy, and I don't want to ruin my carpet or hardwood (depending which room I exercise in).
Yesterday's routine was yoga. I'm not a huge fan, so I hope today's exercise is a bit more exciting!

10 year reunion

I just got a message from one of the girls from high school saying she was chosen to be in charge of our 10 year high school reunion this June, and she wanted me to be on the planning committee. I, of course, agreed. To be completely honest, I am looking forward to seeing everyone, but I am totally freaked out about looking fat! My weight is at an all-time high (other than when I gave birth to Makenna 5 yrs ago) and I feel utterly depressed. I need to stop talking about losing it, and start actually doing it. I don't understand what my problem is. Every morning, I start out by eating well, but every evening I stuff my face. I have ZERO willpower these days. I think the only way I will be able to resist the urge to binge, is by not having any sugary or fatty foods in the house. I don't know how I will do that though, since Makenna always gets one treat in her lunch, and Mick likes to take a treat for his lunch too.

I know there aren't many people reading my blog, but for the people who are reading it, what are your tricks to staying thin? How do you resist the urge to eat? I LOVE food and I eat even when I'm not hungry. I eat out of boredom a lot as well. I am so angry at myself. I have completely let myself go. I barely ever wear make-up or do my hair. I'm rarely out of my sweatpants. When I met my husband, I always dressed nice and made sure I looked good. I feel bad for him that he works such long hours, and then comes home to me looking like a slob. For some reason, I feel like, "what's the point in trying to dress up, when I'm just going to look fat in my outfit."

Some days I feel so addicted to food, that I think the only way I can prevent myself from overeating, is to just stop eating all together. If someone is addicted to cigarettes, they can quit smoking. You don't need cigarettes to survive. You need food to survive. I think about food ALL day long. As soon as I finish one meal, I'm thinking about what time I'm going to eat my next meal. I have never felt so disappointed in myself. I just don't know what to do.

Tongue-tastic

My little Oliver has an obsession with sticking out his tongue. I don't know if he likes the feel of the breeze, if he's trying to be silly, or if he likes the taste of the air. Whatever the reason, it has been quite interesting trying to capture a picture without it hanging out.

Presenting: Oliver and "the tongue"